A New Journey

Very Excited

2008-09-25T13:51:45Z

I Am Very Excited, Just Finding Out That Juan Is Coming Home...Very very soon...I'm not sure exactly what will happen when we first hug, what emotions will come out, how I will feel, or how he might feel. He doesn't want me to cry when we hug, but I honestly couldn't promise him that, and I told him I couldn't promise him that, though I will try for him. It's going to be amazing. I'm so excited. In fact, I've been nonstop hyper for the past couple days, ever since I found out that he had his plane ticket home to the United States. I'm really glad that he will be able to be here throughout my pregnancy, I really was getting depressed about that. I've never done much without Juan, so it was hard these past two weeks, having so many issues to deal with, and for once, him not being by my side. I'm so excited to see him. I can't wait to see him. I won't lie when I say that I need him. I've realized that I do. I love him so much, and yes I can live without him, but everyday that he's away makes me sad. I can survive without him, but that doesn't mean I would like to or want to. Because when he's there right next to me, it's almost like everything becomes so much easier. It really feels like I can do anything when he's next to me. Without him next to me, I question my abilities. I really do. I miss him so much, but he will be home sooner than I realize. And that puts the biggest smile on my face.

Missing You

2008-09-18T14:22:05Z

So here I am, in English 12. I should be writing my essay for college, but I just can't seem to focus on that right now. In fact, it's been a real struggle to focus on anything this past week. Juan's birthday was yesterday. I miss him so much. It's hard to hear him struggle over there in Belize. I miss him. I do want him home. When is he coming home to me? I feel as though I shouldn't feel this way. That wanting him home is a selfish thing to be thinking. After all, if he stays there he can get an education and hopefully work on getting his green card. Perhaps going and getting an Associate's Degree would make him more favorable with the Government. I just want him home. I'm pregnant with our first child, and I really would love it if he could be here, if not during the pregnancy, at least for the delivery and to help raise our baby. This is what I hope. It isn't easy for either of us. I'm so use to him being nearby. I'm so use to being able to just walk on over and *tadaa* he'd be there to hug, to kiss, to hold. It doesn't seem fair at all. I want to be strong, but I think, what's the point of trying to be? He isn't here to tell me keep my head high. He can't look into my eyes and tell me to stay strong. He can't hug me and tell me everything will be alright. I find myself spacing out a lot throughout the day. I try not to gaze at the sky too much. It reminds me too much of him. It's hard, living at his place now, being in his room without him. To be honest, it makes me weak seeing so many reminders of him every day at his home. It hurts to talk about him. It truly does. I do love him with all my heart. And I hope he knows that I will wait for him, no matter how long it takes. He worries I might one day hate him. Or that we might grow apart and that he'll lose me. But I hope he knows that there's no way that could happen. I truly do miss him. I miss him like crazy. I WANT HIM HOME. I want to hug him and kiss him, and be able to look at him and tell him that I love him. I want him to hold me and say, "I missed you so much." God what I would do if I could just have him back in the United States. Until then, I will wait. No matter how long. I will wait for him.

Hello

2007-10-22T13:38:46Z

Okay, so we have a substitute for creative writing now. And I'm on a bit of a writers block for my story I am currently writing. This is not, might I add, the one I posted just recently. So while I am trying to think about what to write, and when, (which is practically impossible since so many are talking at the moment.) and since I don't have a computer at the moment, or internet, it seems only reasonable to write this now.

I guess I am going to attempt to write everything that has happened to me since I last was truly on lj. But alas, this is near impossible. Let's see...The biggest thing that has changed would have to be, hands down, Annie. She is no longer my friend. At least to her I am not, and I tell myself she isn't considered a friend to me. In truth, however, I still feel quite mixed feelings about everything. Perhaps it's a relief though because I have yet to cry in a week or so over her absence. But I feel as though I could break down any moment if something happened. I have hallowed myself into a thicker person since her absence, but at the same time I have become much more sensitive. Who am I now? For the Dani once known has ceased to exsist. True, I still am bubbly and hyper occasionally. But I believe it's a different way than it was with her by my side. How long has it been? Months. Almost 6? I've lost count now. My birthday passed. I think somewhere inside I thought she might say Happy Birthday to me, or something. Anything. But my 17th birthday came and passed. She and I have not talked. She did not wish me anything. And I have not spoken to her, either. When I wrote her asking questions about why our relationship fell through, I promised something along the lines of, "I won't bother you if you tell me. I will let you be." I know it wasn't those words. At all, really. But it was that affect, you know? And so, I recieved my answers in a cruel but truthfull and sincere message on myspace. The pains sliced me like a shredder.

I know the friendship, was going to fall through one way or another. It wasn't because of one thing that I did.

(continued later)